How to Defy the Hookup Culture

It’s no secret that society has made a big jump from “going steady” to “hit it and quit it.” While that may seem like the ideal relationship to some, others are finding it hard to find a solid, long-term relationship. If you are one of these people, don’t panic. There are plenty of people looking for the same thing as you. The real question is, are you looking at the right places? It is completely fine to be into hooking up. In fact, it’s great, if it is both consensual and safe. Ask yourself, am I letting others make decisions for me? Am I happy where I am? If you’re ready to move on from one night stands to strong relationships, you’ve come to the right place.

1. Stop looking for love in a hopeless place.

Dear women, I guarantee you will not find Prince Charming doing a keg stand in the back of an overcrowded, messy frat house. I’m sorry, but it’s true. While there are obviously exceptions to the rule, they are extremely hard to come across. If you’re into e-dating, you might want to stay away from Tinder. Tinder has a strong reputation for promoting the casual hookup. Unless you are looking for casual sex, try a different site. As for places where you SHOULD look, try places that you like. If you’re a gym-rat, try looking for guys/girls at the gym. If you’re a coffee lover, try looking at your local coffeehouse. If you’re a major basketball fan, go look at a basketball game. That way you at least share one common interest. When I say looking, I don’t mean go be on the prowl. You don’t have to constantly be searching because you will automatically know when you’ve found someone. Just be casual but keep this in the back of your mind.

2)  Don’t listen to media messages

The media loves to represent the idea of “the hookup.” You’ve seen it before. Girl sleeps with guy. Guy and girl decide to be friends with benefits. Girl and guy fall in love. Guy and girl live happily ever after. Sound familiar? The media represents hookup culture in a safer light than how it happens in reality. The people that are reckless in their sexual endeavors rarely suffer major consequences in these movies/tv shows. There are obviously exceptions to this rule, but how often does this person get an STD? How often does the girl get pregnant? Unless the movie/tv show is based on this happening, we rarely see it. There aren’t always negatives in reality, but they are virtually non-existent in the media. If you do plan on staying in your casual hookups, be safe.

3)  Saying no doesn’t make you the bad guy

This is so incredibly important. If you take nothing else away from this article, at least take this. It is your body; do what you want with it. Don’t ever let someone make you feel like you have to do something you don’t want to do. If someone is putting you in a position where you feel pressured, just say no. If this person is mad at you for doing so, then they weren’t worth your time in the first place. You do not need someone in your life that makes you feel uncomfortable. The beauty of all sexual contact is that it is meant to benefit both people. If you aren’t feeling comfortable with the person you are with, then it isn’t right for you. Just know that it isn’t considered “hooking-up” unless both parties agree.

4)   Be patient

If you are in your early twenties or younger, just know that not everyone feels the same way as you. It’s been proven that the younger generations are more into the hookup style of relationships than their older counterparts. That being said, DO NOT force a relationship with someone who isn’t ready to commit. That’s just going to end in flames for everyone when it inevitably fails. If you find someone who tells you that they don’t want a relationship, know that it is very difficult to change that person’s mind. Yes, it’s possible. No, I wouldn’t recommend trying it. While there is a small chance your partner will change their mind and suddenly want to be exclusive, the odds are slim. Those who attempt to enter a long-term relationship with the knowledge that their partner is only seeking a hookup will most likely lead to controversy. More importantly, you are too special to be someone’s “part-time.” If you both want to hookup, then that’s fine. But don’t try to create a relationship where there is no hope. Take it slow and don’t rush into a relationship just because they are the first to offer. There are far better things coming your way if you simply wait for them.

5)  Know that you don’t always need to be in a relationship

Another extremely important note to take away from this is to love yourself. Being without a relationship is definitely not the end of the world. In fact, it may be what is best for you right now. If your friends are all in relationships, don’t feel like you have to be too. What’s best for them may not be what is best for you. So often we rush into relationships in order to fill a void that simply cannot be filled by an outside party. Spend time with yourself and do what you love. Truth be told, you cannot have a great relationship without first being in love with yourself. You absolutely cannot rely on a partner to make you feel your best because when they leave, you won’t be able to stand on your own. While it helps to have the extra support, you need to be able to stand by yourself if that person decides to end it. Ask yourself if you’re okay being alone. Do you need to be with someone at all times or are you perfectly fine being single? There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a relationship. However, there is something wrong with NEEDING a relationship. It is completely okay to be alone.

This is not to say that hookup culture is entirely bad. It’s one hundred percent up to personal preference. In fact, I think hookup culture can be exceptionally positive. It can be empowering and beneficial. There is nothing wrong with hooking up so long as it is both consensual and safe. There are always exceptions to the rules above and not all of these tips will work. Keep these tips in the back of your head the next time you are about to enter into any form of a relationship. Know that you are the only person who knows what is best for you. If you just want to hookup, then go ahead and hookup. If you want a solid, long-term relationship, don’t settle for anything less.