Why I Put Love on a Shelf

I am in love… beautiful, amazing, maddening, crippling love. And he has no idea.

Let me explain. This is not one of those sweet love stories where the geeky girl falls for the unaware popular boy. Nope. This is one of those love stories where adult life gets in the way of the fairy tale ending. In short- it sucks.

I’ve been in love before and it was wonderful and I had a beautiful 2 year relationship to accompany it. But life gets in the way. Sometimes growing up means that we grow away from those we love and that…is totally and completely okay. That is the sort of thing that I expected. That is the sort of thing I planned for. As a matter of fact, I avoided dating in high school because I knew that growing up meant that people grew up (and out) and often in different directions. Basically, I did all that I could to surround my little heart with bubble wrap and well, avoid shitty situations like the one I’m in now.

Alas, adult life has won and yet another complication has obstructed my road to utter bliss.

Don’t get me wrong, my life is great. I’m 24 years old, I have two degrees, I just moved to NYC with my best friend, and the world is my oyster. But that is sort of where the trouble lies. I’m young and I am creating a life for myself by doing the things that I may not be able to do later in life. All in all, I’m right on schedule for how I have always seen my life. I mean…if I could be on Broadway tomorrow then maybe I’d be exactly where I had hoped I’d be, but that’s neither here nor there. I digress… The part of my life that isn’t on schedule is that I have fallen in love with an older man who lives all the way across the country in Los Angeles, California.

That is right, folks. On the eve of my big move to the City That Never Sleeps, I fell hard for a man who has already figured out his life. I’m talking, got a career, a cat, and a fierce flat, kind of figured out. He’s completely unaware of how hot he is, he is extremely thoughtful, and he’s an absolute dream. This would all be great and perfect if I knew what the heck I was doing. But the fact is, I have no idea what I’m doing and I’m not supposed to. So despite the fact that I fell in love with this wonderful man (maybe I’ll tell you the story of how later) we decided to call things off before I could even tell him how I felt. We called things off so that we wouldn’t fall in love and so that we wouldn’t be heartbroken come my move. However, my heart skipped a beat and landed in love before I had a say in the matter.

Though I have stewed for endless hours debating if I was going to reveal my feelings to him, I have come to realize that sometimes being an adult means not picking love. I hate that I am even typing this but it’s true. As children we get fed all of these wonderful stories where lovers stop time and give up their lives for each other but life can’t always be like that. The older I get, the more I learn that doing things for you and solely you is the best move to make. That is why I have chosen to keep my love to myself (and now to the great wide web) and explore the world alone while I still can. It would be wrong of me to try and uproot his life for mine when I don’t even know what that means. This may come off as dramatic or depressing but I hope that all who read this understand that it is ok to have a hurting heart but it is not okay to not follow your dreams because of it. I am as happy as a clam out here on my own and though I miss my fella and all I want is to profess my love, I know that I will thank myself later for giving my own life a shot first.