Dumped: How to Bounce Back When the Ball Drops

Heartbreak is a self-inflicted poison, right? Although it’s mostly caused by someone else, responsibility can be seen as shared because we willingly gambled our feelings. We took our heart right out of our chest, set it on the table, looked up with all the enthusiasm possible and said, “hit me mister.” Believe me, we thought we had the winning hand. So now you are devastated, emotionally broken, and swearing off the opposite sex for good. Understood. The heart needs to heal, or perhaps you need to regroup, cry it out, and break out of the self-pity box. I get it, you’re not ready…or maybe you already feel it will be back to square one. Here are some ways to heal, deal, and feel….again. After all it is still beating, right?

1. Self-Reflect

You are sitting there thinking, “how did I end up here… again!?” You have no idea why Cupid hates you, because you for sure thought HE was him. The one. You need to reevaluate. I am not insinuating that you are the problem, but there is an issue. Whether its selection or imperfection, things need to be considered. This can happen in two ways, if you have remained amicable with exes and people you have dated….reach out. Find out from their point of view what went wrong, and when. If the break up was clearly their fault (I.e. cheating), ask if there was anything they did not like about your ways. Remind you this in no way justifies the infidelity, the focus is on what may be negatively put out on your end. This is purely a way to see another perspective. Some may not want to change any attributes, but rather change their outlook, and that’s fine. Hence my next way. Write a letter and/or a list. This involves you rearranging priorities, or emphasizing on things you wont compromise against. State the “no-go,” and this is anything there is a no tolerance policy against (i.e. no job). Remember its your list, and should be made with no criticisms. If kids is a deal breaker, so be it, but only write things you will full heartedly walk away from. There should be no compromises. State everything that went wrong in past relationships, and decipher how and if your reactions could have been better, and why. Then note what you have learned from each relationship. All this will help when making your “no bullshit bill,” excuse my french. It’s important to understand what YOU want different. Doing everything collectively is a great way to hit every angle, but no one blames you if you no longer have that guys number.

2. Go to therapy.

Okay, so first thing thought is “where’s the money?” I should have emphasized it does not have to be professional. Use a best friend or close confidant. Someone that will offer a listening ear, unbiased advice and point of view, and supply the encouragement and questions necessary with challenging yourself. Now if a third-party can be used that is unaware of the situation beforehand, all the better. Those involved or privy to your crying or emotional state THEN, may find it difficult to be open-minded NOW, and that’s just their love for you. The more disconnected they are to you and the situation, the better, so an honest ear can be provided. Therapy is a great way to release, review, and reconsider any previous thoughts. It’s a very liberating experience, so if a therapist is possible, use one. If not, look towards a trusted confidant, or join a group offering support and insight. Its amazing what sharing can do, both for internal and external perspective.

3. Stay Busy

Easier said than done, right? The more you got going on, the less time to think about it. Play a sport, find a hobby, pick up a social night once a week, like bowling on a league or roller skating. Just something you do consistently, so that you have something to look forward to. Having more time on your hands leaves you vulnerable to missing things you are intending to get over. Read. Enlist in friends or family, but refrain from discussing HIM, that’s what step 2 is for. You have to begin to disassociate yourself with his mention. It’s over. Mentor someone. Check at local youth centers for mentoring programs or volunteer your time tutoring or at a shelter. It’s about feeling good again, what better way?

4. Date Yourself

This could easily fall in line with step 1, but reflection can be done in private, so I wanted to mention its importance. Go to the movies, out to eat, to a show, on vacation. Whatever you do, treat yourself. The independence is exhilarating. The focus is not the other couples, it’s the solitude felt and the peace rendered. This is step 4 for a reason. While these suggestions can be done sequentially or at random, doing this one first may only remind you that your alone, and until other areas have been strengthened or explored, that could be a setback. Bring a girlfriend, your mother, sister, or cousin. Whomever makes good company, but you treat yourself to the ticket. Realize that things are still enjoyable without that person so it’s possible with another person later.

5. Join a dating site.

WHAT! “I’m healing and you want me to start feeling?” Yes! Dating sites are great broken up band aids, because they provide a level of attention. At this point in the game, you’re ready. Shoot, even if you do this step first, a distraction is never negative. Just be careful where it leads. Flirting, conversation, and compliments are all positive, welcomed feedback. A big reason it becomes hard to move on, is because we can believe we won’t find anyone else. This allows numerous options to be available instantaneously, and it makes you just as attainable. Once your interests are provoked, and once you see how interesting you are to others, you won’t be so hung up on what isn’t. I’m not suggesting you sleep with someone new, I’m advising you to entertain the idea, listen to how pretty you are, and remember that when your ready, so are they. If anything you make a friend, or a perfect candidate for step 2. Now, I don’t suggest blasting your business and sounding all bitter towards love and its counterparts, in fact at first don’t mention what has happened, just let it happen. You decide “it.”

6. Write yourself a letter

Capitalize on your strengths. Compliment yourself. Overindulge in your perfections. State how amazing you are, and emphasize all you have to offer. Explain in detail why you are a good catch. List all your positive qualities, embrace your negatives one. Come to peace with your flaws, and celebrate your existence. Go crazy on how wonderful you are, and brag about all your accomplishments thus far and to come. Go ham! Love yourself! Fold it, put it up, and then read it. Everyday. Every other day, once a week. Whenever you need it, just make it available and revisit it. That is a love letter.